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Four Secret Steps To Help Your Spouse Stop Using Pornography

Episode #39

If you want to register for the webinar to help decondition urges and stop using pornography follow this link: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZItcu2vqz4iEtwha5erXQmdgBu9xHjMWQwr If you want to set up a free consult so you can be in the July 1 Group Coaching Program follow this link: https://calendly.com/habitcoachz/30-min-consult-clone 1.     Choose love So often those who are dealing with spouses that have chosen addictive behavior feel like we are supposed to punish their behavior.  In doing that, we lose the perspective of love that we once had.   Choosing love doesn’t mean that you need to allow your spouse to abuse and overrun you.  It also doesn’t mean that you give in to the demands of a spouse who is manipulating you.   Choosing love does mean that what you say, what you do and who you show up as come from a place of love.  In place of saying things like, “I hate what you are doing in our home and what you have become” you can say, and mean, “I love you. This behavior is not ok.” Choosing love is for you.  It is so you can be the person that you want to be in the moment of your interaction.  It is so you can lead your relationship by example.   Being the  person you want to be in your relationship will help bring your entire marriage up, not just changing you but also, indirectly changing your partner.   Love is what you experience toward another.  Other people don’t feel your feelings.  You feel them. Which means, how you feel is how you act and how you act creates your results.   Choosing love does not mean we allow others to break the boundaries that we have set within the relationship.  If you have set a boundary that for 48 hours after your spouse looks at pornography sexual intimacy is off the table, then hold firmly and lovingly to that boundary.  Be clear, keep it simple and love without condition.   2.     Give up the need to be right a.     No real benefit to being right b.     Need to be right is misguided c.     When you do, tension will dissipate What has being right ever given you?  Has being right ever taken something from you? In a loving, committed relationship being right at the expense of the other person doesn’t bring us together, it usually creates an unnecessary wedge.   My parents have this running bet.  Any time one feels they are right about some inane thing and the other is not relenting, they will say, “I’ll bet your $300”.  No one keeps score, no one knows who is ahead, no money is ever passed to the “winner” because there is never a winner. It is their way of saying, “it doesn’t matter, let’s move on”.   When it comes to pornography use, you may believe deep down that you are right about what is happening. You may “know” that if your partner would just stop doing x or start doing y that they would be able to move forward and stop regressing to unhealthy buffering with pornography.  The question you have to ask is, “is being right making my partner change?” The answer is invariably, “no.” I’m also not saying that you have to be wrong.  You don’t have to give up on your opinions or act as though your position is unimportant.  If you love the person, being right doesn’t make them love you more and doesn’t make you love them more.  Give up being right and you will find yourself free from so much conflict.  3.     Stop trying to control the other person a.     We want others to do things b.     Adults get to behave however they want c.     We can’t control others without creating problems... Support this podcast