For a lot of my life I had a very real sense that I was not very important in my family. As the 4th child in a family of five, early on I observed my needs as being secondary to those of my older siblings or my parents or my little sister.
This is just the way things work in large families and small families. The truth is that every child, as they grow up, experiences things that create narratives that they internalize as their reality of who they are.
For me, one of the things that I felt and struggled with was this sense that I was not enough to merit someone paying attention to me and spending the time with me that I wanted them to spend.
It really didn’t matter what I was doing or how successful I was in sports, drama, or school my parents were busy and, in my mind at least, didn’t show up as often as I thought they should.
This perception, whether it was true or not, helped my forming mind create a sense that I was not enough.
This affected the relationship that I have with Darcy and how pornography helped soothe me through parts of our life.
On the 94 freeway headed north as we left the Chicago temple when Darcy and I were first married Darcy made a comment about my driving. I reacted in a way that was not kind, was not safe, and not how I would want to show up in the rest of my life.
I got upset, angry with her characterization of my driving. I felt like I was being attacked for doing my best and that no matter what I did, it would never be enough.
Fast forward maybe 15 years, heading south from a trip up to Salt Lake, Darcy made another comment about my driving. Again, upset, frustrated, and defensive I proceeded to let Darcy know that I didn’t think her characterization of my driving was fair. After all, I was doing my best and clearly, she didn’t appreciate everything I do to make her life happy, safe, and stable.
I was, once again, not enough.
You might have similar stories, your stories might differ in details, but feel the same.
One of the reasons that I turned to to pornography was it’s extraordinary ability to bring me to a place where I was always enough.
In the world of pornography, you can be with any woman, regardless of your talent, abilities, or money.
In the world of pornography, the women you are with are willing to do anything with, for, and because of you. They want you, the same way you want them.
You don’t have to prove you’re a good match, capable of caring for them and your children. You don’t even have to know anything about them, and they want you.
Being wanted, unconditionally the way pornography makes you feel is possible is a powerful sensation.
In the world of pornography, you are always enough, for as long as you can make the fantasy last.
After that second driving incident, Darcy and I met with our friend Dr. Larry Bradley. In that session, he mentioned two things that have made a significant difference in our lives.
He helped me see that I was carrying around this idea that I wasn’t enough and that I can never do enough to please the people in my life.
He also helped Darcy that the narrative that she learned for herself was that “I’m not lovable.”
So, just to re-clarify. This isn’t a story about how bad our parents were or how they didn’t do enough for us and how we are damaged beyond repair and it’s all their fault.
What Darcy and I experienced is a normal process that young minds go through to understand and manage their expectations in the world they are presented with.
What we had to do, and continue to do in our marriage and lives, is become aware of how our brains were offering us a narrative that we weren’t good enough and that was hindering our long-term... Support this podcast
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