How to Choose Your Values When Motivation Is Low

Episode 302 of Thrive Beyond Pornography
By Zach Spafford

Summer’s in full swing. I hope your days are filled with flag-waving, grilling, and good people. I hope you're safe. I hope you’re grounded in freedom—especially the freedom to speak your truth, live with purpose, and connect with others civilly.

Today, let’s talk about what to do when motivation is low. More precisely, how to choose your values when you don’t feel like showing up.

Motivation Isn't the Same as Commitment

Let’s clear something up.

Motivation isn’t commitment. You can be committed and not feel motivated. You can know what matters and still feel stuck.

We say things like, “I’ll get serious when I feel motivated.” Or “I just need to be in the right headspace.”

But motivation is fragile. It flickers. It can start a fire, but it can’t keep one going.

That’s because motivation wasn’t designed to sustain internal change. It evolved for quick action in emergencies—fight, flight, or freeze.

But the battle with pornography? That’s internal. It’s emotional. And motivation fails in that space.

Values Are the Foundation of Long-Term Change

Unlike motivation, values are stable. They aren’t emotions. They’re choices. They're a direction, not a feeling.

When you feel tired or stuck—when your brain says, “What’s the point?”—your values are still there.

So this episode shifts away from motivation and toward something more reliable: your personal values.

We’ll look at:

• Why motivation breaks down during emotional struggles

• How shame, fear, and urges silence motivation

• And how to act on your values anyway—even when your energy’s gone

Because freedom doesn't come from waiting to feel ready. It comes from choosing what matters. Again and again. Especially when it’s hard.

Why Motivation Fails You

1. Motivation Is Externally Wired

Motivation evolved to help us survive—run from a threat, fight an attacker, freeze and hide. It's externally focused and short-term.

But when you’re fighting pornography, the threat isn’t outside. It’s internal. Shame. Self-doubt. Overwhelm.

And here’s the thing: your brain knows there’s no tiger in the room. So it powers down. The fight-or-flight system shuts off.

That’s why motivation fades when you’re struggling with urges or discouragement. Your brain isn’t broken—it’s doing exactly what it was built to do.

2. Emotional Weight Drains Motivation

Add shame, stress, and failure cycles, and your emotional load gets heavy. Running through mud doesn’t spark motivation. It kills it.

And if you’ve lived through the cycle—“I’m gonna beat this,” followed by “I failed again”—your brain starts protecting you. It withholds motivation so you don’t get hurt.

That’s not laziness. It’s conservation. It’s biology.

So instead of asking for motivation, ask this:
“What value do I want to live right now, even when I feel like giving up?”

3. The Detour Cycle: Why You Keep Escaping

It starts with a story:

“You’re not good enough.”
“Why do you even try?”

That’s your narrative onset. It sparks shame. Then comes the emotional catalyst—a discomfort you want to escape.

Your brain offers relief:

“Just check out.”
“Numb the feeling.”

This is your escape offer—pornography, avoidance, anything to not feel. The brain prioritizes comfort over growth. It always will.

But escape isn’t alignment.
And in that moment, you have a choice.

How to Choose Values When Motivation Is Low

Now we know motivation can’t carry you through this fight. So how do you choose values when you feel exhausted or numb?

Here are three core strategies:

1. Clarify Your Values Before the Struggle

You can’t choose your values in a hard moment if you don’t know them beforehand.

So ask:

• Who do I want to be when things are hard?

• What do I stand for when no one’s watching?

Maybe your values are honesty, growth, compassion, courage, or self-respect.

Name them. Write them down. Look at them every day.

These are your compass points. Especially when the emotional weather turns.

2. Shrink the Action to Fit the Moment

In low-energy states, big plans overwhelm. So shrink the task.

Ask:

“What’s one small thing I can do that honors my values?”

Examples:

• If you value honesty, text someone:
  “My brain’s offering me porn right now. I feel like crap. Here’s why…”

• If you value growth, write one sentence in a journal.

• If you value self-respect, take three deep breaths and say:
  “I do what I say I’ll do.”

Small acts, done repeatedly, build identity. And identity shapes everything.

3. Create Routines That Anchor Your Values

If you only act when you feel like it, your values will always be optional.

That’s why habits matter.

Ask:

• “What’s one daily rhythm I can build around my values?”

• “What’s one anchor I can attach this to?”

Examples:

• After brushing your teeth, take 30 seconds to reflect on your day.

• Each night, ask: “Did I act on my values today—even a little?”

Consistency > intensity.

Transformation isn’t flashy. It’s quiet. Uncomfortable. And real.

Real Stories: Choosing Values in the Messy Middle

Here are three stories. No drama. No magic. Just real people choosing values over escape.

Ryan: Responding to the Inner Critic

Every time Ryan felt unproductive, his brain whispered: “You’re lazy. You’ll never change.”

It sparked shame. His usual escape? Pornography.

One day, Ryan paused. He didn’t argue with the story. He just wrote it down.

“That’s an old story. It’s familiar. But it’s not true. I choose to move toward my values.”

That moment—anchored in persistence—shifted his path. He wasn’t motivated. But he was aligned.

Brianna: Practicing Self-Compassion

Brianna was all-or-nothing. If things weren’t perfect, she spiraled:

“You failed. You’ll never get this right.”

The pressure drove her to escape—not from desire, but to stop the emotional pain.

Instead of fixing everything, she practiced one small thing: daily self-compassion.

Each night, she asked:

“What part of me needs kindness right now?”

She wrote one line in a note app. Sometimes: “You’re learning.” Other times: “It makes sense that today was hard.”

It didn’t solve everything. But it changed her direction—from shame to alignment.

Devin: Replacing Avoidance with Courage

Devin didn’t think he was avoidant. But he was putting off everything—emails, hard conversations, even doctor’s appointments.

Every delay built anxiety. And when it got too loud, he escaped through porn.

Eventually, he saw the pattern. It wasn’t laziness—it was fear.

His solution? Practice small acts of courage.

His rule:

“If it feels hard, I’ll take one small step within 24 hours.”

Even if it was just writing a draft or sending one sentence.

Courage became action. Over time, the loop broke.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need Motivation—You Need Purpose

Most meaningful growth doesn’t begin with energy. It begins with alignment.

When motivation fades—and it will—that’s not failure. That’s biology.

But you still get to choose:
Escape into comfort, or move toward your values.

Ask yourself:

“What matters to me right now?”
“What’s one small action I can take toward that—especially when I don’t feel like it?”

That’s the difference between avoidance and growth.
It’s not flashy. It’s not always clear. But it’s real.

Your Challenge This Week

1. Name one value you want to live, especially in low motivation moments.

2. Choose one small action that aligns with it—today, tomorrow, and each day this week.

3. Write it down. Say it out loud. Act on it, even if it's messy.

The people who change their lives aren’t the most motivated.
They’re the ones who keep choosing what matters, especially when motivation is gone.

Need Help Living Your Values?

If you want help clarifying your values or creating practical routines, visit GetToThrive.com. Set up a free session with me. Let’s get to work.

If this helped you, share it with someone who's tired of waiting for motivation—and ready to start living on purpose.

See you next week.

Keywords: motivation vs. values, how to stay committed, overcoming pornography, emotional regulation, values-based living, habit change, internal struggle
Estimated Reading Time: 12–14 minutes
Author: Zach Spafford, Thrive Beyond Pornography Podcast
Episode: 302